In these days of political, despair, world-historical troubles, and near universal brouhaha-ha, it is good to take a break into the realm of serious literature. Yes, it is time for the Edward Bulwer-Lytton literary contest results.
I, of course, have nothing to do with this other than standing in awe. I am filled full of awe by these awful sentences. I encourage you to visit the web site. These excerpts are in a random order based on my whim.
She was like my ex-girlfriend Ashley, who’d stolen my car, broken my heart, murdered my father, robbed a bank, and set off a pipe bomb in Central Park—tall.
— Rachel Nirenberg, Toronto, Canada
When Glenn left the house, the sky was a satin Spinnaker Blue with White Feather clouds, the still-moist lawn and street were glossy Sunlit Glade and Bastion Grey, and, contemplating the to-do list jotted on Ivory Cream notepaper as he started the Sundance Yellow hatchback, Glenn knew he would go flat Condition Red berserk if his wife didn’t hurry up and select a color for the dining room.
— David Franks, Greenland, AR
She wanted—no—she needed Robert, oh, what she would give if he knew that he was the first thing on her mind at the start of each day, if he knew that she yearned, yearned to be happily by his side at the spring dance, yes, she needed Robert—unless Brian dumped that bleach blond snob Leah in time, in which case she’d need Brian.
— Heather Armstrong, Williamsburg, VA
Following my successful career as chief medical officer of the Horus 7 on its extended mission to explore the Galaxy, I returned to Earth—what follows chronicles the first seven years of the orthodontics practice I opened in Michigan.
— Phillip Davies, Cardiff, Wales
“Nurse, I need more blankets, and my water pitcher is empty, and also my bedside lamp isn’t working,” Tom said coldly, dryly, and darkly, yet at the same time patiently.
— Kimberly Baer, Woodbridge, VA
“We got a stiff on the sidewalk all bled out; a stiff on a tugboat tied up with enough cement to build the Hoover Dam; Louie Miller empties out his bank account and falls off the face of the planet; Jenny Diver, Sukey Tawdry, Lotte Lenya, and Lucy Brown all get death threats . . . I got no goddamned proof, but five’ll get ya ten that Macky’s back in town.”
— William Lattanzio, Boyertown, PA
Bulwer-Lytton is actually an interesting man. He turned down the throne of Greece. And his atrocious novels ignited the imaginations of crazy people. There is a lesson there – somewhere. But this is not a day for lessons.
Addendum: The Lovely Terry says nobody remembers ‘Mack the Knife’ and ‘Three Penny Opera.’
Nay I say! Nay! Can Louis Armstrong be forgotten? Nay!
Forthwith, ‘Mack the Knife.’